A Reflection from Fr. Eric 

    I have spent over 35 years in ordained ministry, proclaiming the forgiving grace and redemptive love of Jesus. Until these last few years, however, I did not fully appreciate the real depth of what that could mean in my own life.  Not to say that I had not known the grace and love of God in my life, or that I did not fully accept the theology of God’s forgiving grace in the cross of Christ. It is simply that I had not personally been in such a place of utter destruction that I had cause to experience, at the deepest level, the forgiving grace and redemptive love of Jesus. It is one thing to preach the restorative love of Jesus in the midst of life’s joy; it is quite another to experience it in the midst of horrible failure.

    Having burned out on ministry (after serving three large parishes) I found myself in a place of deep exhaustion and empty isolation.  I put on a good front, as clergy often do, but my life was frayed at the edges, and empty at the core. Not sleeping; taking Ambien; getting angry and frustrated about inconsequential things; feeling too much that this huge parish was on my shoulders; drinking too much, occasionally to the point of drunkenness; and, over-stepping boundaries on several of those occasions, my life spiraled apart.  

Within a short few weeks I lost the parish I had created, and found myself out on the street with no future form of support or purpose in sight. We are all disposable, but facing that truth is hard especially after such a long period of faithful ministry. My reputation was forever damaged, as everything that anyone wanted to say about me (whether it was proved or not) was posted on websites and published in newspapers. My family was, of course, caught up in all the horror of it, shocked by all that was being said, and left floating without a parish family to care for them. I had a short period of feeling suicidal, as though my life was ruined, and could never be restored. 

    I spent over a year in therapy with two wonderful Christian therapists, talked weekly with my cousin who is a priest in South Carolina, and read a whole shelf of books about failure, sin, loss. One particularly helpful book was Tim Keller’s “Walking with God through Pain and Suffering.” I spent many days on my knees in prayer under a crucifix in my hallway at home, and having long talks with my dear wife and precious children. I spent two long years in a place of numb darkness, sorrow, emptiness, trying to figure out how and if I could move forward in any meaningful way. Dear friends gave me a job doing something I’ve always loved, gardening. On their lovely estate, immersing my hands in the soil, tending to a greenhouse, orchard, vegetable garden, and rose garden, I was given space and time to reflect and pray.  Even in the darkness I felt the Presence of the Lord, sometimes more than others, but somehow always there, through my family, very close friends, and the quiet life of gardening. I experienced for myself the old adage that growth happens in the valleys not on the mountaintops; and there has been great growth, learning so much, late in life, about myself, God, and His Church.   Through heartfelt repentance, many torturous nights of tears, and week after week of walking in the desert, the Light of Christ began to shine more and more fully in my dark little world. 

    A small group of friends who stood by me through all the dark and uncertain days (true to Proverbs 17:17) convinced me to teach Bible classes, something they clearly realized would be far more helpful to me than to anyone else.  From these classes a small, faithful group coalesced, and bubbling forth came a worshiping community seeking to know more deeply, and serve more earnestly, this Grace-filled Lord and Savior. 

    By God’s never-ending Grace, I find myself in a precious little parish (sort of like the house churches in early Christianity where things were lean and clearly focused), joyfully doing the work of ministry once again. I find that I have so much more love and understanding toward people who make mistakes in life; people who feel outcast and hated by God’s Church; and pray that I use the remainder of my life helping people know the Grace and Love of Christ that I have come to know at such a deep and personal level.  I must also say, that I have found in this little parish people with hearts full of grace, mercy, and forgiveness; They could not have chosen me as their pastor were that not the case!  I invite you to worship with us at Christ Church and to experience first-hand that powerful grace and love of God.   

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